Call me John
Even the military can be flexible when the need arises.
Archive for the ‘Friday Humor’
Eagle chasing a remote controlled Plane
Got this clip from a good friend.
This Eagle seems to be having fun chasing around a remote controlled airplane over the water on Whidbey Island Washington.
Confucius say
On wisdom, Confucius say…
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who sit on tack get point!
Man who jump off cliff, jump to conclusion!
Man stuck in pantry have ass in jam.
When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet than to open mouth and remove all doubt.
Man who behaves like an ass will be the butt of those who crack jokes.
He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing.
Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
He who buries a man’s wife alive, should not expect to sit at that man’s dinner table without the subject coming up.
Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father.
Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.
Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
Man who fly airplane upside-down bound to have crack up.
Confucius say too damn much.
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On hygiene, Confucius say…
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in his own hands.
Man who take sleeping pill and laxative on the same night will wake up in deep shit.
A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
House without toilet is uncanny.
Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.
He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
Man who stick foot in mouth get athlete’s tongue.
Man that go to bed with itchy butt wake up with sticky fingers.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Grease monkey who go to bed without bathing wake up oily in the morning.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
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On sex, Confucius say…
Virginity like bubble: one prick, all gone.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Man kicked in testicles left holding bag.
Woman who wear jockstrap have make believe ballroom.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk.
Hole happy, whole body happy.
Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
Don’t drink and park, accidents cause people.
Dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs.
State of pregnancy exist when woman takes seriously something poked in fun.
Man who plays with self, pulls boner.
Passionate kiss like spider’s web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.
Man trapped in brothel get jerked around.
Man’s wife his better half, his mistress his better whole.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on whole woman have more.
Girl who have red hair have red hair, by cracky.
Man who lay woman on ground gets piece on earth.
Man who suck woman’s tit make clean breast of things.
Woman laid in tomb may soon become mummy.
Man who lay girl on hillside is not on the level.
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Man who marries girl with no bust have right to feel low down.
Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.
Don’t sweat the petty stuff … and don’t pet the sweaty stuff
Missing Cat Poster
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This is correspondence back and forth between a secretary (Shannon) at a graphic design company who lost her cat and a sarcastic graphic designer (David ) who is supposed to be helping her.  Missy This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number. Thanks Shan. From: David Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am To: Shannon Subject: Re: Poster Dear Shannon, That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone… possibly lying on the side of the road, squashed by a vehicle, calling out “Shannon, where are you?” Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy. Regards, David. From: Shannon Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am To: David Subject: Re: Re: Poster yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today. From: David Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am To: Shannon Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster Dear Shannon, I never said I don’t like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham ‘Choose Life’ t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a foul stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat. Attached poster as requested. Regards, David.  From: Shannon Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am To: David Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small? From: David Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am To: Shannon Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster Dear Shannon, It’s a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space. Regards, David. From: Shannon Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am To: David Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks. From: David Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am To: Shannon Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster Dear Shannon, Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don’t come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun. I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions. Regards, David.  From: Shannon Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am To: David Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say Lost. From: David Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am To: Shannon Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster  From: Shannon Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am To: David Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks. From: David Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am To: Shannon Subject: Awww Dear Shannon, I don’t have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend’s cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn’t have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go. I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions. Regards, David.  From: Shannon Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am To: David Subject: Re: Awww Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat. From: David Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am To: Shannon Subject: Re: Re: Awww I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says “I haven’t seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?” you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill. I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven. Regards, David. From: Shannon Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm To: David Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww Please just use the photo I gave you. From: David Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm To: Shannon Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww  From: Shannon Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm To: David Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan. From: David Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm To: Shannon Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww  From: Shannon Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm To: David Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it. From: David Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm To: Shannon Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww  From: Shannon Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm To: David Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww Fine. That will have to do. |
Some Confucius words of wisdom
On wisdom, Confucius say…
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who sit on tack get point!
Man who jump off cliff, jump to conclusion!
Man stuck in pantry have ass in jam.
When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet than to open mouth and remove all doubt.
Man who behaves like an ass will be the butt of those who crack jokes.
He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing.
Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
He who buries a man’s wife alive, should not expect to sit at that man’s dinner table without the subject coming up.
Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father.
Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.
Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
Man who fly airplane upside-down bound to have crack up.
Confucius say too damn much.
On hygiene, Confucius say…
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in his own hands.
Man who take sleeping pill and laxative on the same night will wake up in deep shit.
A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
House without toilet is uncanny.
Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.
He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
Man who stick foot in mouth get athlete’s tongue.
Man that go to bed with itchy butt wake up with sticky fingers.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Grease monkey who go to bed without bathing wake up oily in the morning.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
On sex, Confucius say…
Virginity like bubble: one prick, all gone.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Man kicked in testicles left holding bag.
Woman who wear jockstrap have make believe ballroom.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk.
Hole happy, whole body happy.
Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
Don’t drink and park, accidents cause people.
Dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs.
State of pregnancy exist when woman takes seriously something poked in fun.
Man who plays with self, pulls boner.
Passionate kiss like spider’s web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.
Man trapped in brothel get jerked around.
Man’s wife his better half, his mistress his better whole.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on whole woman have more.
Girl who have red hair have red hair, by cracky.
Man who lay woman on ground gets piece on earth.
Man who suck woman’s tit make clean breast of things.
Woman laid in tomb may soon become mummy.
Man who lay girl on hillside is not on the level.
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Man who marries girl with no bust have right to feel low down.
Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.
Don’t sweat the petty stuff … and don’t pet the sweaty stuff
